Missing You

About three weeks ago someone who used to be close to me passed away. Up until this point in my life, grief has passed over my doorstep, but I know now that it wouldn’t forever. Now that it has come, I thought I would write about it, since sometimes I feel like that’s the only way I can ever express how I’m feeling.

I don’t think I realized how heavy it would feel to drag my feet, still living life when someone I loved wasn’t. It becomes painful to fall asleep all alone at night when my brain won’t shut off. Going home for the funeral made my stomach ache and my mind race as I passed by places we once ran around. Seeing old faces, watching the tears, and hearing the voices crack in sorrow from family and friends felt like an inescapable weight. Getting back into routine was even worse. Tears have snuck up on me even when I thought I was doing good that day. Songs we used to listen to have played, and they only leave me missing you.

But missing you has turned my perspective to something greater than us, and allowed me to rest knowing you’re doing just fine in heaven. You’re peaceful, and no longer tormented or drug down by the world. The dawn of spring, a taste of warmer air, and sweet, sweet sunlight helps me remember that seasons don’t stay forever. When I look around me I reflect on all that I have, all I have been given, and I feel a need to hold onto and love extra tight the people here, still close to me. Day to day I walk with less sorrow, although my heart can feel heavier on some days, there is still joy to be found.

I hope time will heal, and that missing you will turn into happy memories when I listen to Turnpike Troubadours, watch cattle shows, drive by my old elementary school parking lot, and pass old Ford trucks on the road. Although I have dealt with guilt and regret, anger and deep sadness, all the emotions have slowed, and I know there is hope that one day they’ll all subside in heaven.

Best,

Meg